


Reality hurts but we can face it together

by grievingcain



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 11:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11439690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grievingcain/pseuds/grievingcain
Summary: Takasugi is having a difficult fight against his own memories but Bansai is there to help him.





	Reality hurts but we can face it together

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this two days before the chapter 642 spoilers came out and despite it being pre-series it still makes me sad now... probably bc of the last line. lmao
> 
> But I thought I should post it anyway. 
> 
> No beta so I'm sorry for any mistakes and feel free to point it out to me if you find anything.

Insomnia wasn’t a rare occurrence for Bansai. Fortunately, it was usually accompanied with inspiration outbreaks and Bansai was able to spend the night composing new hits for Otsu or new songs for him to play with Shinsuke. Being honest, he quite enjoyed his insomniac nights, the problem were the days that succeeded them. His shades were handy to hide the bags under his eyes and even the fact that he sometimes dozed off in the middle of a meeting or two, but he didn’t like to spend the day feeling like he was about to pass out.

That night, however, was different from the past ones because he couldn’t concentrate at all. There was something wrong, something he couldn’t pinpoint, but it was disturbing him to the point he lost all inspiration and still weren’t able to fall asleep.

He decided to leave his room. Perhaps check if Shinsuke was still awake since the man spent his nights awake even more often than Bansai did, so maybe he was still sitting by the window drinking sake. And a drunk Shinsuke is almost always an amusing Shinsuke. Bansai smiled to himself thinking about how more easygoing his commander became when he got _actually_ drunk.

Grabbing his signature headphones and shades – that he insisted in wearing even during night – Bansai left his room. Shinsuke’s room wasn’t too far from his own, and a few steps into the dark hallway were enough for him to reach the door. He knocked on it lightly but got no answer. He supposed he could risk a little, the worst thing that could happen was a scolding, and slowly opened the door. Bansai looked into the dark room and didn’t see anyone, not sitting by the window nor lying on the futon spread on the floor.

Weird, he thought. He closed the door and tried to think where else Shinsuke could be if not in his room. When Shinsuke didn’t feel like being alone it was always him he would seek. He had lost count on how many times he had lost his bed because Shinsuke was sleeping on it. Maybe he was at Takechi’s room? No, definitely not. Matako’s then? She would certainly misinterpret his intentions and have a heart attack, it wasn’t an option. Where Shinsuke could be…

The deck. That’s got to be it.

Bansai made his way upstairs.

 

xxx

 

Saying he was having a terrible night would be a huge understatement.

Shinsuke often had nightmares and even flashbacks but not with _that_ intensity. After throwing up everything he had eaten that day and taking a shower to try and relax with no success whatsoever he caught himself walking out of his room wearing nothing but a sleepwear, not even sure about where he was going. He passed by the door of Bansai’s room and thought about entering, but he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think just the other man’s company would be enough to calm him down that night.

He went to the deck, glad to find it empty and silent. No one was there to disturb him.

He felt the cold breeze touching his skin, the thin fabric of his _yukata_ wasn’t nearly enough to protect him from the cold weather, but he didn’t care. If anything he was content to feel the wind. Relieved to feel all the hair on his body standing up, his teeth clenching, his body shivering. Maybe that would help him to get a grasp of reality. The night was dark and cold and perfect.

Shinsuke slowly walked to the edge of the ship.

 

xxx

 

Just as he had imagined, Bansai found Shinsuke in the ship’s deck. He was just standing there supporting his body with his arms on the edge and watching the horizon. A random passerby wouldn’t think much of that scene. But Bansai could hear Shinsuke’s song and it was loud. Buzzing like a radio unable to find a station and the only sounds coming from it were a mix of indescribable noises combined with different songs overlapping each other.

Shinsuke’s song wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Loud, yes, almost always. But powerful, melodic. Its rhythm changed often, from slow to fast and sometimes the drums overlapped the other instruments. But it was always a delight to listen.

This time it was unbearable.

He approached the other man and thought about touching his shoulder to get his attention, but he decided not to. Shinsuke didn’t like to be touched without permission, even if by someone close. Instead, he just called his name.

“Shinsuke.”

Shinsuke seemed to get startled. He turned around to face his companion and for a moment he looked like he was waking up from a trance. But he didn’t take long to recompose himself.

He opened his mouth to speak but closed it without saying anything. Bansai had to take the lead again.

“I didn’t expect to find you here,” he said.

This time, the reply came instantly.

“Liar.”

Shinsuke’s voice didn’t sound resentful or even accusatory. It was just stating a fact. His expression remained unreadable.

“You knew I would be here. This is why you came,” he completed.

Bansai nodded. He didn’t even know why he told a lie in the first place. Perhaps that noisy sound – it couldn’t even be called a song anymore – was affecting him somehow.

“You’re right, I’m sorry for lying. I was looking for you, I daresay.”

“Is there something you wanna discuss with me?”

“Not really. I was just worried, I daresay.”

“About what?”

Bansai hesitated.

“I don’t know.”

Shinsuke’s face now seemed annoyed.

“Then leave. I wanna be alone.”

Shinsuke turned his back to Bansai and went back to stare at the horizon leaning against the edge.

Bansai thought about leaving. But he couldn’t. He was certain that no matter where he went now he would be able to hear Shinsuke’s mess of a song, and now he realized this is what was bugging him all the time. He couldn’t go.

Instead he walked a few steps and stood by Shinsuke’s side.

“Bansai, I told you—”

“It’s cold. You shouldn’t be outside wearing just a _yukata,_ I daresay.”

“What do you think—”

He stopped abruptly. Bansai turned his face to look at him and what he found was Shinsuke with his eye wide open, his mouth ajar, as if he had seem something terrifying. Bansai didn’t need to look in the direction he was looking to find out what scared him; he had seem that scene before. Instead he just walked closer to support Shinsuke’s body when he noticed the man’s legs wouldn’t resist. Shinsuke willingly fell onto him, but he wasn’t there yet. His mind was somewhere else.

“Shinsuke,” Bansai said, “Shinsuke, look at me.”

No answer.

Bansai slowly moved to kneel down on the floor taking Shinsuke’s body with him so he could help him to sit down. When they were both on the floor, Bansai pulled his body away just so he could look at his face, and kept a firm grip on his shoulders.

“Look at me, Shinsuke,” he repeated.

Shinsuke’s gaze was still lost. He was trembling but Bansai was sure it wasn’t due to the cold weather anymore. He could see the cold sweat on his brow.

“Shinsuke!” He called again. “Shinsuke, come back to me. Look at me, remember where you are. Shinsuke!”

Slowly, Shinsuke seemed to be coming back from his trance. At least now he was looking Bansai in the eyes.

“Where are you, Shinsuke?”

“Shoka Sonjuku. It’s cold. _Sensei_ told me to wear something warmer. Gintoki is—”

“Where are you _now_ , Shinsuke?”

Shinsuke stared at him for a few seconds as if he hadn’t understood his words. Bansai didn’t avoid his gaze neither loosened the grip on his shoulders. If anything, the grip got tighter. He needed to bring Shinsuke back to the present somehow.

It took a few instants, but Shinsuke finally spoke up.

“I’m in the Kiheitai ship’s deck. It’s very late. You just told me to wear something warmer because it’s cold.”

Bansai nodded and his grip on Shinsuke’s shoulder finally loosened up.

“Are you okay, Shinsuke?”

Shinsuke didn’t say anything for many seconds, maybe a whole minute. After the waiting Bansai concluded he wouldn’t answer. He probably didn’t feel like talking; he rarely did. Bansai knew about his past, about the flashbacks that haunted his mind, because Shinsuke has told him enough, but he didn’t like to talk about it. He only told him about the events but never about his feelings.

“Let’s get inside, it’s getting colder,” he said. It probably wasn’t true, he wasn’t paying attention to the weather at all, but he needed to say something.

Bansai got up and helped Shinsuke to stand up as well. Shinsuke reached out for his hand and let go of it in the moment he was back on his feet. Bansai started walking in front of him, but soon he stopped when hearing Shinsuke’s voice.

“This time of the year is always the worst,” he said.

Bansai turned to face the other man instantly.

Shinsuke’s head was down as he stared at the floor.

“The nightmares, the flashbacks, everything gets worse. Almost like I’m living all of that again. The good moments… But mostly the bad ones. Even the good ones are bad in the end because I feel like I’m there but I know what’s gonna happen next and I can’t change it so everything is just meaningless.”

More than ever Bansai was grateful for his outstanding hearing capacity because Shinsuke’s speech was nothing but a murmuring.

“It’s all my fault. If—”

There was a sudden pause. Bansai was sure he heard a sob. Suppressed, but it was there. He didn’t say anything, just waited until Shinsuke was able to continue.

“If I hadn’t been captured that wouldn’t have happened. I could— I could have saved him. But—”

Another pause, this time it was longer. Bansai was anxious to hear what Shinsuke was gonna say next. But he knew how hard it must be for him to speak about his feelings out loud so he refrained from asking. He wouldn’t pressure him, he would let it flow in the rhythm Shinsuke was able to go, and if he couldn’t go until the end then that was fine too.

“I’m— I’m sure I would have done the same!” His voice got louder as he continued talking. “I would have killed him! I would have protected Gintoki and Zura! I would have killed him with my own hands and just knowing this makes me feel like I actually did it! And sometimes—”

Another sob. This time it was louder, clearer. Shinsuke still kept his head down so Bansai couldn’t see his face, but by the way he was speaking Bansai knew he was doing everything to hold back his tears.

Bansai had never seen Shinsuke so exposed. Whenever he talked about his past he made it sound like it wasn’t about him, he was only a spectator. Whenever he sought Bansai’s company because of an episode he would sit and talk and even act as if nothing was happening, and someone who didn’t know Shinsuke as well as Bansai did could easily be fooled. But Bansai could see in the subtle way his hands trembled, in the seconds he sometimes seemed to be out of his mind, and especially by the turmoil in his song, that he was not okay.

However, Bansai played his game. If he didn’t want to talk, Bansai wouldn’t ask. If he wanted, Bansai would listen. If he just wanted to lie down on Bansai’s bed and sleep in his room without any explanation because he didn’t want to – and most likely _couldn’t_ – sleep alone, Bansai would let him without any questions.

But this time it was so difficult. To see Shinsuke in such a fragile state and not being able to do anything was killing him.

After long seconds that felt like an eternity to Bansai, Shinsuke started talking again.

“Sometimes I wish it really had been me— It would make things so much easier. Maybe it would hurt less—”

“Shinsuke,” Bansai started, but he noticed didn’t know what to say.

He stayed there in silence staring at Shinsuke’s trembling body. He could see the way Shinsuke’s fists were clenched, the way his breathing was heavy, how he tried to hold back all the pent up feelings. His song was still loud and heavy, but it sounded like a song now. But it still wasn’t a song Bansai was enjoying to listen.

Bansai didn’t want to just stand there doing nothing anymore.

He turned on the music on his headphones again at maximum volume. He walked until he was centimeters away from Shinsuke and in a swift motion pulled his body into a hug.

Shinsuke almost stumbled. Bansai felt him struggling in his embrace, trying to free himself. He knew he was saying something, but he couldn’t hear because of the music.

“Shinsuke, I can’t hear you,” he said. Shinsuke continued to try and push him away, but he wouldn’t let go of him. “I can’t hear you because of the music. I can’t see you in the dark with my shades on. There’s no one else here. Nobody can see you.”

Shinsuke stopped struggling. Bansai hoped he had understood his intention and loosened the hold around his waist to show him that he had the choice to leave if he wanted to.

But Shinsuke’s reaction was exactly what Bansai was hoping for, and he felt relieved when Shinsuke’s arms held him. He could feel Shinsuke’s hands grabbing tightly on the back of his jacket. He felt when Shinsuke fell onto the curve of his shoulder. He felt the man’s body still trembling and a warm humidity right where Shinsuke’s face touched him.

For how long Shinsuke had been holding back? The Kiheitai has been together for almost 5 years now and during all that time Bansai had never seen his commander completely losing it. He was sure Shinsuke never had anyone to offer him a shoulder to cry or any kind of comfort. He wasn’t even sure if he was the best person to be there. But since he was he would do anything in his reach to help the other man.

He tightened his embrace and closed his eyes. Despite the music at max in his headphones, Shinsuke’s song was louder and completely overpowered it. The song was still heavy but now all the instruments were in perfect synchrony. The melody filled his ears and after a while he could feel Shinsuke slowly starting to relax in his arms.

He didn’t know for how long they stayed like that. Minutes, or maybe half an hour. He wasn’t sure. But when Shinsuke finally moved away from him he seemed to be calmer. He still kept his head down, not wanting Bansai to look at his face. And that was okay, Shinsuke had already exposed himself way too much for just one night.

Bansai turned the music off again and waited for Shinsuke to say something. It didn’t take too long this time.

“Let’s get inside, I’m cold.”

Bansai only nodded in response, even knowing Shinsuke wasn’t looking at him. He started walking with Shinsuke following his steps again.

As they walked their steps were the only sound in the hallways, all the other members of the Kiheitai seemed to be sleeping. What time could it be? Either way too late or way too early.

They didn’t take long to arrive in the hallway that led to their bedrooms. Bansai approached his room’s door and opened it and he wasn’t surprised at all when Shinsuke followed him inside instead of making his way to his own room.

His steps were predictable. Without saying anything he walked to Bansai’s bed and slipped in there without ceremony, hiding his whole body and face under the blankets and Bansai could see his frame shrinking.

Bansai smiled finding that scene strangely cute despite the situation and left his headphones and shades on his desk before entering his bathroom.

 

xxx

 

He didn’t take long in the shower. He was ready to pull one more all-nighter composing now that the thing disturbing his thoughts had been taken care of. He felt calmer knowing Shinsuke was safe on his bed, instead of brooding or freaking out because of his memories in his own room.

He approached his bed to look at his commander and found him in the exact same position as before, still hiding under the covers. Then he noticed something unusual. Shinsuke was lying almost on the edge of the bed instead of in the middle. Bansai’s bed was rather large, so there was no need to lie on the edge if he was sleeping alone—

Oh.

_Oh._

…

Bansai hoped he wasn’t misinterpreting Shinsuke’s actions.

He walked to his wardrobe and grabbed a pair of boxers and pajama pants. He dropped the towel he had around his waist and put on his clothes. He didn’t bother taking the towel back to the bathroom, leaving it hanging on the wardrobe’s handle instead.

He approached his bed and slowly slipped into it. He could feel Shinsuke’s body heat under the blankets, even with a few inches of free space between them.

Bansai couldn’t see Shinsuke’s face, both because it was still hidden and because the man had his back turned to him. But Bansai could see when Shinsuke finally allowed his body to relax, taking a deep breath before relaxing his legs, keeping their slightly bent but not with his knees almost touching his chest anymore.

Bansai smiled again. He, too, made himself comfortable and closed his eyes, even though he wasn’t sure if he would be able to sleep.

After no longer than 20 minutes, he was hearing Shinsuke’s heavy breathing and knew he had fallen asleep. He felt relieved and slightly proud of himself for being able to make Shinsuke feel comfortable enough to fall asleep after such a difficult episode. He opened his eyes to watch the other sleeping although he couldn’t see much besides the dark hair that wasn’t covered and the motions of Shinsuke’s body as he breathed. He seemed to be sleeping soundly, without any more nightmares, thankfully. God knew how much that man needed some peace of mind.

His song was slow, calm, like a piano solo after the storm.

Bansai closed his eyes again, certain that now he would be able to sleep with Shinsuke’s song cradling him like a lullaby. Before falling asleep he wished from the bottom of his heart that Shinsuke would someday find peace.

**Author's Note:**

> That's all... I hope it's not too ooc. ngl I've always wanted to write about Takasugi crying in Bansai's arms.  
> Oh, and I hope I haven't screwed up so much about the PTSD thing, it's my first try writing it.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! Comments are appreciated~


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